Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Project Runway Premiere SHOULD Be a Happy Occasion

So, I have previously detailed how much I LOVE Thursday nights, because it is Project Runway night, and Sarah's friends come over to our house and watch it. This means I get a blissful evening of attention and love (and, often, some good food placed on coffee table/dog level, convenient for sneaking it when no one is looking).

You can imagine how much I have been looking forward to tonight, then - not only is it the Project Runway premiere, but now it's an hour and a half long, which means an extra half hour with cool people around! I should seriously write a thank you note to Heidi and company about this awesome turn of events in my life.

However, I should have suspected that Sarah would somehow undermine my happiness.

You see, a couple weeks ago, we had a bad storm, and it zapped the television (which was plugged into a surge protector, but still got zapped). For the last couple weeks, Sarah has just been going around without television, which is fine with me, as it means I am not subjected to her horrible taste in television (I swear, if I have to watch one more episode of Cheaters...). So yesterday, she finally went out and got a new television, because she loves Project Runway almost as much as me. Almost.

This is me in a parrot hat in front of the broken television. I have no idea what the hat is for. Top American designer Michael Kors probably thinks it's a big vulgar and/or like Carmen Miranda on acid.

Unfortunately, when she went to plug it in, Sarah realized that the DirecTV box had been zapped as well. So now, we have to wait for DirecTV to come out and fix the problem, which means that, until then, I won't get to have my fun Thursday night Project Runway fix, because Sarah is going to a friend's house (where I am not allowed) to watch it, with her friends, and without me. So typically mean of Sarah.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This Was Supposed to Be a Picture of a Chair

So, Sarah got a new office chair yesterday. In the realm of things that should not surprise anyone at this point, the chair is pink. Not a normal, light shade of pink. Oh no. Not at all. This chair is hot pink.

Of course, being a Facebook addict, Sarah immediately posted about the purchase of the chair last night after she put it together. Shortly thereafter, people asked her to see a picture of the chair.

Now, a normal person would take a picture of the chair and post it. End of matter. Sarah, being far from normal, decided to take a picture of the chair that would illustrate its color and serve to humiliate me at the same time.

And so, without further ado, here's the picture she took of her "chair":

What does dressing me up in a pink hairpiece meant for little girls have to do with an office chair? Absolutely nothing. Which means that in Sarah's world, it's the focus of a picture of a chair.

As you can see, by "chair," Sarah appears to have meant "dog with hair." Wrong. So very wrong.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Five Evil Creatures

Here's a special entry. Instead of talking about oh-so-awesome me, I'm going to talk about five things I HATE. They are my grandparents' five cats, who I have to deal with when I visit my grandparents.

This is Sonny. She is the supreme, most-evil cat here. She takes great pleasure in smacking me when I get within, like, twenty feet of her. She even goes out of her way to find me sometimes and hit me.

Horrible. Just horrible. And the worst part? She's sixteen years old, so she should be old and decrepit. Instead, she takes pleasure in torturing me during her waning years.

I suspect Sarah put her up to this.


This is Boop. She is the evil spawn of Sonny, and the sibling of Sasquatch and Bubba, who I will get to soon. She's not as intent on coming after me, but as you can see from this video, she's not cool either:

That first cat is Sonny, the second one is Boop.


Sasquatch is mostly harmless. She's got extra toes on her front feet, which you would think would be extra good for smacking me, but mostly they just get in her way. However, she is Sarah's favorite, so that gives me extra reason to hate her.


Bubba, Sasquatch, and Boop are all siblings. Bubba is fat and slow, so I love chasing him. Unfortunately, he's a jerk and figured this out, so now he hides from me when I am here. So he sucks.


I've written about Peaches before. My grandparents still haven't gotten rid of her, even though she is just a stray. As you can see, my grandma even gave her a collar, which suggests she's never leaving. I'm not happy about this situation.

So, those are my grandparents' cats. I hate them all.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dogs in the News: Ice Cream Version!

This? This is brilliant. A dog ice cream truck is pretty much the greatest thing that I have ever heard of.

Ice cream? Yes, please! I call this creation the "hot dog sundae," though this one is actually a bratwurst sundae. I would eat these everyday if we had an doggie ice cream truck in Indiana.

Unfortunately, it's in England. That's nowhere near Indiana. So I guess I will just have to continue living in a world without such wonderful things, because there is ZERO chance Sarah takes me somewhere cool enough to have a dog ice cream truck.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Porch Swings and Polka Dots

Now, for all the complaining I do about Sarah, she has managed to do a few things right in her life. One of those things is get a house that is pretty cool. I mean, it's across the street from the park, which is great, and it has a nice fenced yard, so I can run around out there without Sarah and dig holes and get in trouble and the like.

Another cool part about the house is its front porch. Sometimes, Sarah will read on the porch swing out there and take me with her. Because it's in the front yard (and not fenced), I have to wear my leash. Sarah seems to think that I am going to run right over to the park if she takes my leash off, just because I have done it several times in the past (OK, she may have a point there. I do tend to do this every time she drops my leash).

See this? This is how I normally sit on the front porch and watch the world go by. Quite pleasant, actually.

Even with the leash, it's pretty cool to be on the front porch. Sometimes, I sit on the swing and watch people go by. Other times, I chill out on the floor, watching people through this little hole in the porch. The neighbors come by with their dogs, so I get to see my friends. And when dogs walk by in the park, I can bark at them (unless they're bigger than me, in which case I let them go by quietly. I'm not stupid enough to pick that fight when I'm outside. I only pick that one when I am safely ensconced in the house).

We're in the middle of a heat wave here in Terre Haute, so Sarah has been spending most of her time in the house, lying on the couch and complaining about how hot it is (even though the house is air conditioned and quite pleasant). But the other night, she decided it would be nice to spend some time outside on the porch, and took me with her.

Unfortunately, she decided that I needed to get dressed up to go on the porch.

I'm surprised Sarah didn't make a pitcher of lemonade to make this picture even more humiliating. Actually, I shouldn't suggest things like that. Sarah might get wind of it and re-stage this scene with lemonade. And probably cookies as well (though I have no objection to cookies).

Now, normally I think dressing up a dog is stupid and pointless (I come with a fur coat - unless Sarah comes up with some diamonds for me, it's unlikely she's going to find something better than what God gave me). However, it is actually more stupid and pointless when it's hot out, because clothing is just going to make me hotter! I mean, really. Does Sarah not understand this concept? Wait, wait, don't answer that question.

Does this look like the face of a dog who likes wearing a sundress? I think not.

Anyway, it was luckily too hot for Sarah to sit out for long, so my humiliation was only short-lived (short-lived enough that I didn't even see any of my doggie friends, which is good when I look so stupid). Still, this shouldn't have occurred in the first place. Stupid Sarah.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Keep Your Tutu Awayway From Me

There are certain sounds that a dog should hear and get excited about. For example, the sound of cats being yelled at, or plates of food being dropped on the floor.

One such example should also be the sounds of an owner's excited squeal upon the discovery of something fun and unexpected. However, if you're me, that's not a sound you want to get excited about.

Why? Because the reason for that excited squeal may be Sarah's discovery of dog clothing she forgot she had.

So, so wrong. And, of course, pink. It's like the universe has something against me.

A couple months ago, Sarah bought me the tutu pictured above. Now, it used to fit better, but I guess all that good cooking at my grandparents' house fattened me up. So, instead of tossing the tutu, or waiting until I go back to the normal, slightly less big boned version of myself before making me wear it, Sarah just decided to put the tutu around my neck, like I'm some kind of Project Runway reject from an unaired episode involving clown college. Seriously, Sarah. Not cool.

I may look happy in the first picture. This one more accurately captures my desire to either hide or kill Sarah, and then proceed to destroy this abomination of a tutu.

Happily, this is the only thing Sarah seemed to find in my clothing drawer that I haven't already worn. Of course, the downside to that small iota of happiness in my otherwise bleak existence is that this will probably be used by Sarah to justify the purchase of something new and potentially even more humiliating than the tutu/neck warmer. Though I am not sure this is even possible.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Ten Reasons I Love Vacation

So, as you know, I have been on vacation for the last ten days. Granted, it was not a vacation to some exotic location, but I did get to go see my grandparents, which is just as good. Now, because Sarah insisted on taking her computer with her (which makes absolutely no sense, because she was going to northern Minnesota to camp, and I know for a fact that there was no internet service where she was), I didn't get to discuss most of the awesome things I did over vacation. Thankfully, though, Sarah has brought the computer back, and now I am going to give you ten awesome things about vacation:

10. Wiffle Ball: Now, others may thing that wiffle ball is just a game played with a bat and ball. It's so much more than that - namely, an opportunity to steal wiffle balls and chew them to pieces. I only got my paws on two, but they were fantastic to chew up with all those little holes. I highly recommend their tasty plastic awesomeness.

OK, I didn't really play wiffle ball so much as watch others actually play.

9. Chasing a Deer: I saw something awesome last week at my grandparents' house - a deer. And my grandma (whose coolness I cannot stress enough) let me run through a room I am otherwise not allowed in, to chase it! Now, I know that most people would probably think I would put this super high on fun things I did last week, but I have to admit something - deer are a little scary. I mean, those things have long legs, and I would rather not get hit in the head by one of their hooves. I bet that would hurt a lot more than a cat scratch. Still, I did enjoy chasing the deer, at least until it ran into the woods (which are rather scary, and which I stay out of if at all possible).

8. My Aunt Charlotte: She took Sarah away on vacation, which is unbelievably awesome. However, she has a cat, so many, many points were taken off for that. She'd be way high on this list without that cat (though, in the cat's defense, it hates Sarah and even gave her cat scratch fever once before I was born and fully able to enjoy it. Therefore, it's the coolest cat ever. Still, it's a cat).

7. Eating Furniture: It's not just for sitting anymore! I ate part of an ottoman this last week. I haven't eaten any furniture at home yet, but Sarah is now on notice (and seriously, eating furniture is quite fun. I was considering starting with the good couch, but I like sitting on it too much. I think I'll go with Sarah's bed first, to punish Sarah for keeping me off of it).

6. My Uncle James and Aunt Colleen: They brought my cousin Izzy with them over this last weekend, which was great (as you'll hear about further down the list). They might be higher, but they make Izzy wear a harness just like mine, which is MEAN. Also, note to Aunt Charlotte: Get rid of the cat and get a dog, and you too will move up this list.

5. People Food & Cat Food: The entire time I was at my grandparents' house, I ate exactly 3/4 of a bowl of dog food (my cousin Izzy ate the other 1/4). Why? Because my awesome grandparents kept sneaking me people food. Even better, I kept eating the cats' food. Not because I like it, but because it pisses them off when I eat it. That stuff could taste like poo and I would still eat it to make the cats mad (not that poo is as terrible as you humans think it is. I don't eat as much as I once did, but I still make it a regular meal).

4. Chasing Cats: A classic activity when I visit my grandparents. But it never gets old.

3. My Cousin Izzy: She's almost my size now, but I can still totally beat her up with my powerful (read: fat) build. Plus, she decided not to sleep at all Saturday night, meaning that she kept me up all night. Together, we kept Sarah up all night. Sarah was none too happy about this. And even though I was SUPER tired the next day, it was awesome.

This picture isn't from the weekend, because someone forgot to take a picture of the two of us. I'll give you three guesses, but one should be "that moron" and another should be "Sarah."

2. My Grandparents: They are awesome. I should probably treat them better, and not do things like eat their ottoman. But I can't help it - it was fun AND tasty. Oh, and sorry about the barfing incident. And the chasing the cats (OK, I had my paws crossed for that one. I love chasing those little bastards).

And the best thing about vacation?

1. No Sarah: What? Did you ever think it would be something else?

Me, all alone in Wisconsin. I may not look it here, but on the inside, I was jumping for joy.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Heart My Grandparents

So, as you may know, I have spent the last week at my grandparents' house while Sarah has been on vacation. It has been TONS of fun, even though I think that they might be a little annoyed with me. I kind of barfed after they fed me lots of good food (I like to think that I have a sensitive tummy, but really, if you eat 10 pounds worth of food, you're going to get sick whether or not you have a sensitive tummy). And I've been sort of pesty at the dinner table, but you'd be the same way if you were forced to sit around while everyone else ate Grandma's awesome cooking.

Anyway, Sarah gets back soon, because she is coming to help celebrate my grandparents' 35th wedding anniversary! While it will suck to have to deal with Sarah and her crap again, it's pretty cool that my grandparents are having a party. Even better, as part of the celebration, they're hosting a wiffle ball party. So that they don't look horrible at it, they've been practicing a little. I've totally been helping them practice.

OK, by "help," I mean I just rolled around in the grass while everyone else played wiffle ball. Still, I'm sure having a cute dog around totally improved everyone's playing.

Anyway, as far as I can tell, wiffle ball is pretty easy. And, as it involves plastic balls, it's great for me - I just take a ball, run away with it, and totally chew it up. My kind of game.

Sarah made me wear the bandana. I, however, needed no encouragement to chew up this ball and bat.

Anyway, I am hoping that wiffle ball becomes a regular feature of life at my grandparents' house, because it is totally a lot of fun. Even if I would rather chew up stuff than actually play.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy 4th of July!

So, I know a lot of you who read my blog aren't American, and so you might not know that this weekend we have our Independence Day (then again, you might have seen the movie with that name and know all about it. For the record, it is usually celebrated with fireworks, not an alien invasion).

Sarah made me sit in front of this flagpole the other day on our walk so she could take my picture. I think it's supposed to show me as patriotic. Mostly it was just embarrassing. People stared.

The best thing about this for me? It means Sarah has a three day weekend, and we're going to go up to Wisconsin! I'm super excited, but not really because of the three day weekend.

The real reason I'm excited? Sarah is going to Minnesota next week, and I get to spend the entire week at my grandparents' house without her!

According to this map, a significant portion of Minnesota is constantly experiencing winter. Of course, northern Wisconsin has been taken over by a giant bird (which I can only assume is supposed to be a loon, as it looks nothing like an actual loon), so I probably should not rely on this map as an accurate representation of the state.

This is an awesome development in my life. While Sarah is camping with her sister (who has a cat and is therefore probably not to be entirely trusted), I am going to be having the best week ever! I have even started a list of things I am planning on doing:
  1. Chase the cats. I'm starting with the fat black one named Bubba (he's not in any of those pictures at the link, so you'll just have to trust me on what he looks like). He's not just fat, he's the only one who has been declawed, so when he hits me in the nose, it doesn't hurt, it's just funny.
  2. Lie in the fountain. It's how I imagine heaven. Wet, cool, and stinky.
  3. Sneak into the living room and lie on the leather couch. Oh man, I have been wanting to do this FOREVER. I'll have to hide from my grandma when I do this, because I'm pretty sure she has the same ideas about me being on the couch as Sarah does. Neither of them approve.
  4. Catch the skunk. There is a skunk living at my grandparents' house. So far, my attempts to catch him have come up empty. But I'm feeling like next week may finally be my week...
  5. TBD. After all, I don't want to plan the entire week. You never know what sort of things might happen, so it's best to keep an open mind about what you will be doing.
Anyway, as you can see, it's going to be a great week. I can't wait! Unfortunately, I saw Sarah sneak something into the house the other night that she obviously didn't want me to see. I am quite worried that it has something to do with her viewing of Extreme Poodles. I swear, if she is going to ruin my best week ever, there will be highly unpleasant consequences for her.