Rain Rain Go Away (And Take My Raincoat With You)

Yesterday, in a rare fit of treating me well, Sarah took me to the pet store and bought me not only a bag of treats, but a new toy as well (which, now that I remember, I still haven't properly destroyed - I guess I have a plan for the day!). Unfortunately, with Sarah, no trip to the pet store is complete without the purchase of something humiliating for me. Yesterday, it was a raincoat. Now, I figured I had at least a couple weeks before it rained here and I was forced to endure this latest humiliation.

I was wrong. This morning, it rained.

The fact that the coat is not pink is only a small consolation to me.

Having purchased the coat only yesterday, it goes without saying that Sarah heard the pitter patter of rain on the roof this morning and leaped out of bed, giddy as a kid on the first day of summer, in anticipation of my impending torture.

Next time, I vote that we skip the walk in the rain entirely. I have a backyard; I can take care of business there.

I guess there is a little comfort to be had in the fact that no one else was out walking their dogs in the rain this morning, so (as far as I know) none of the other dogs in the neighborhood saw me in this get up. Unfortunately, I may not be as lucky next time. Because you know there will be a next time with this.

Unacceptable Walking Behavior

I love my walks. They are one of the few things Sarah does well. So, it pretty much goes without saying that she would find a way to screw them up and make my life worse.

In the morning, Sarah is too lazy to get out of bed early enough to give me a long walk, so we take a short one. Now, normally I would complain about this, but on my morning walk, I get to see two of my favorite people, both of whom give me treats. So, that's awesome. And then I get to play with several other dogs while Sarah chats with people, which is also cool. In the afternoon, I get a long walk, which is quite nice, actually.

However, things weren't always so nice. You see, back when I was a younger pup, I attended puppy training classes. I was awesome at these classes, except I really hated doing one thing: walking on my leash properly (you know, without pulling Sarah).

The joys of pulling Sarah along behind me are many. For example, if it's muddy, she might slip and fall. Her arm hurts from all my pulling, which is a at least a little bit of punishment for the horrible things she does to me. Plus, we end up getting where we're going faster, as if Sarah had her druthers, we'd go at snail speed. BORING.

Sarah did not appreciate all this pulling, so she asked my puppy trainer what to do. The puppy trainer gave her this special harness for me. It was very, very NOT COOL because it was (a) pink, and (b) perfect for making me have to walk without pulling Sarah. Anyway, as long as the harness was part of my life, my walks were not fun. I like pulling Sarah around!

Obviously, I needed to do something about this harness. So, one day at day care, the owner left my harness hanging up where I could reach it. I promptly got it off of its hook and chewed it all up! That's right, $25 of Sarah's money, gone! And me, I got to go back to pulling Sarah.

Without the harness, Sarah quickly tired of this pulling, and purchased another harness. Stupidly, Sarah let me sit in the backseat of the car, and left the harness on me. And you know what? I chewed that one up as well! And the best part? Sarah saw what I had done, and decided that, having spent $50 on harnesses, she wasn't about to purchase another one for me, as I chew them up as soon as I can. She figured that a little arm hurt was worth saving $25.

This state of life without a harness lasted over a year. However, last week we were in the park, and I saw a squirrel and lunged for it. In the process, Sarah fell over. Like, flat on the ground. That part? HILARIOUS.

Not so hilarious? Our trip to the store that very same night to pick up a new harness.

This? This is me in my third harness, contemplating methods to open the drawer where Sarah keeps it so I can destroy yet another $25 of Sarah's hard-earned money.
While Sarah falling over on my account was great, the harness is horrible. I have to walk right next to Sarah all the time, even though the last thing I want is for people to think I'm her dog. I have to walk at snail speed. And dog harnesses are seriously not cool with the dogs in the park. So humiliating.

Still, so long as I can destroy it pretty soon, definitely worth seeing Sarah fall on her butt.

I Need My Morning Beauty Walk!

As I have mentioned before, I live across the street from a park.

Beautiful me in front of one of the signs for the park.

It's a pretty cool place to live across the street from, except for the squirrels. Plus, when Sarah (the asshole) and I go for walks, there's almost always something interesting going on that at least momentarily distracts me from how much my life usually sucks.

Now, normally, Sarah takes me for two walks a day. Despite the fact that these walks are entirely too short and require me to be on a leash, they are definitely the highlight of my otherwise shitastic life. One of the best parts of our morning walk is that we get to see the park's caretaker. Unlike Sarah, she appreciates my awesomeness, and gives me several treats every morning. Obviously, this makes her awesome.

Sadly for poor little me, the caretaker doesn't work in the park all winter, because there isn't enough work to keep her busy. This obviously sucks for me. But then today, guess who came back to the park? The caretaker!

This is pretty much going to be the highlight of my year, and I can hardly contain my excited pee while Sarah is getting ready this morning. Considering what happened shortly after she got ready, I should have let the excited pee flow freely.

You see, Sarah skipped our morning walk! The asshole!

Sarah excused this inexcusable behavior by claiming that we were in the middle of a downpour and she didn't want to go out in the rain and get her work clothes all wet. Newsflash, asshole: you could put on old clothes and carry an umbrella and not get wet! Did you ever stop to think about that solution? Actually, Sarah probably did think of this solution, but thought it would be fun to torture me by making me stay inside and watch the park's caretaker give away my treats to other, less-deserving dogs in the park. She's just that kind of asshole.

I Need My Evening Walk

The other night, Sarah was being a lazy ass, and didn't walk me after work, because (a) it was like 28 degrees outside, and (b) her beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish were on television in the Big East tournament.

These are definitely not excuses to keep me from going on my evening walk. First, the cold is no fucking excuse for Sarah to stay inside. She's from Wisconsin, for chrissakes, and Wisconsin may as well be Canada as far as cold is concerned. Second, she was fucking delusional if she thought ND was going to win that game. The Irish were down like 17-2 after three minutes. That's not basketball, that's a blowout. But noooo, someone kept watching that debacle and made me go out in the backyard during the commercial breaks, instead of taking me for our evening walk. Asshole!

So, you know what I did? I didn't get mad at that asshole, I got even. I had four "accidents" over the course of the evening, even though I am fully capable of getting my big boned ass outside to take a shit or a piss. After two accident-free days, I'm pretty sure that Sarah got the message that I need my evening walk.