Dogs in the News: Things I Don't Want to Find in the Backyard Edition

OK, I know I complain about squirrels a lot, but it turns out that there are worse things that could taunt me in the backyard: alligators.

Now, some of you probably live places where alligators are pretty common. I can assure you, in the middle of Indiana, they are not so common. Which is why this story from Columbus, Ohio, is so scary. You see, Columbus is very similar to where I live - in the middle of the country, seemingly safe from warm weather dangers arising out of the murky depths of swamps. But, apparently, I was mistaken about what one can find here in the middle of America:

Sales manager Jeff Colucy had his Weimaraner in the parking lot at a Columbus company that makes office fixtures when the dog went "on point" Wednesday morning.

Colucy told his boss he discovered the dog was focused on an alligator hunkered down in a puddle.

You know what the scariest part about that is? The alligator was not even in a swamp - it was in a PUDDLE. I have an entire mini pool in my backyard, think of the number of gators that could live in something like that! Terrifying.

This? This is a horrible thing to do to your dog (but illustrative of the horrors of alligators and dogs, even if it is in costume and not actual form). I'm sure Sarah is already considering this for one of my Halloween costumes this year.

On the plus side, perhaps this will make Sarah reconsider the pool (and, more importantly, dressing me up to go swimming).

A Squirrel-y Road Trip - Part 2

Continued from yesterday...

As I discussed yesterday, Sarah (the asshole) decided that the best way to spend Saturday morning would be to go on a road trip. While this would normally be cool - we might go to the pet store, or a dog park, or Wisconsin - yesterday, the road trip was definitely not cool. Not cool at all. You see, Sarah took me to a town called Olney, Illinois, which is known for its white squirrels.

The first thing Sarah made me do was get out of the car to get my picture taken in front of the town sign. Even though the road by the sign was super busy, Sarah managed not to get killed getting out of the car by some semi passing by at high speed (though had this happened, I would have gotten a new owner, which would have been cool). Then, she made me tramp through some swamp-y ditch, just so she would have a picture me in front of the sign.

It's the same picture from yesterday.

Now, in addition to the cars passing at high speed, thanks to the swamp-like conditions near the sign, I had to traipse through mud, hoping not to get bitten by some water moccasin or other dangerous swamp creature. Thankfully, after a couple of pictures, Sarah let me get back in the car, where I felt somewhat safe (as long as I ignored Sarah's shitty driving skills).

Now, I had hoped that Sarah would find my picture with the sign to be adequate, and we would turn around and go home to Terre Haute. My hopes were sadly misplaced. Instead of going home, we went into town to look for live white squirrels.

It did not take long to find those white bastards:

A demon bastard and a regular bastard squirrel look at each other. Probably making plans to taunt me as I sit inside the car.

Now, it turns out, white squirrels are just like regular old squirrels, except with white fur and red eyes. So, basically, they're demon squirrels (as if the regular ones aren't bastards enough). Now, instead of Sarah letting me out to kill these abominations of nature, she forced me to stay inside the car.

Does a regular squirrel taste different from a white one? I will never know, thanks to Sarah.

I totally could have caught at least one of those bastards, even if it had just been a regular one. I mean, those things were everywhere!

A bastard buffet, if only Sarah would let me out of the car.

But did Sarah let me out of the car? Of course not! Instead, she drove to some stupid lake nearby, and made me run around there, where there were no squirrels to chase after, of either the regular or demon sort. So, I jumped in the lake and got back at Sarah by getting the car all dirty when I got in to go home. It wasn't as cool as catching a demon squirrel, but it was something.

I Told You So

In case you had any doubt about squirrels being little bastards, I present this article for your reading displeasure. A little advance tidbit from the article in picture form:

Animals That Suck: Squirrels

There are a lot of cool things about spring. For example, the backyard becomes a muddy mess, which means that whenever I come in from outside, I track mud all over the light carpets. Sarah (the asshole) hates this. So, obviously, I do it as often as possible.

However, the return of spring also brings the return of one of my most bitter enemies: the squirrel.

Here's one of the little bastards on the bird feeder next door.

I live across the street from a park, which sounds pretty fucking cool, until you realize that I only get to go there twice a day when Sarah deigns to take me out for walks. The rest of the day, I'm forced to stare at the other dogs getting to walk and play in the park with their super cool owners, while I sit - abandoned by my own asshole owner - like a prisoner in my own home.

But the biggest problem with the park is that it is infested with squirrels. Like, hundreds of the little bastards. They run around and act like they own the place, with smug little squirrel smiles on their faces.

You know who could wipe those smug smiles off of their faces? Me. You know how? By chasing those bastards all over the place. But you know who won't let me do this? Sarah. You know why? Because she's an asshole.

So, instead of me getting to solve the park's squirrel problem, Sarah drags me around the park like a little bitch, forced to watch those smug bastards instead of chasing after them, like I should obviously be allowed to do. It sucks.

But you know what sucks more? The squirrels come over to my house, sit just out of reach on the backyard fence and fucking laugh at me. I'm telling you, they're just little bastards.