Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Does Anyone Know a Good Hit Man?

There has to be some way I can kill Sarah and make it look like an accident.

This whole thing started off with something quite nice. You see, Sarah bought me a little pool, so I can cool off during the hot summer months. If you had to wear a fur coat all summer long, you'd appreciate this as well.

Most shocking thing about the pool? It's not pink. Seriously, Sarah, not everything you buy for me needs to indicate that I am a girl dog. Or, at least, that I was a girl dog, before you had the vet unceremoniously rip my girl parts out of me.

Sarah knows I like pools like this, because my grandparents have a fountain at their house which I LOVE. When I am not chasing their cats, I am typically lying in the fountain, which is often full of leaves and crap that smells fantastic (at least to a dog).

Now, I should have known Sarah would not do something so awesome like get me a pool without somehow ruining it. You see, Sarah couldn't just get me a pool. Oh no, she had to do something else, and couldn't leave well enough alone. Something so, so horrible that it needs to be seen to be believed.

Fuck and no. (Sorry Grandma, the foul language was appropriate. Do you see what she did to me?).

Oh yes, Sarah bought me a swimsuit. And a swim ring. And kiddie arm bands. And goggles. Something is seriously wrong with Sarah.

First, there is no way I am going to drown in four inches of water. I don't need seventeen things to keep me from drowning. Second, I'm a dog! I don't need swimming accoutrements. I just get in the water and paddle away (which, once again is NOT NECESSARY in a kiddie pool because it's FOUR INCHES deep). Third, seriously, who does this to a poor dog?

This is so, so wrong, I don't have words. If, however, you know of a way a dog could kill a human and make it look like an accident, please let me know. I would appreciate it.

Maybe if I shut my eyes, this whole thing will turn out to be a nightmare...Nope. All too real.

And if anyone asks, I didn't say anything about wanting to off Sarah for this.


  1. Choppy you & I are kindred spirits....

    Me & several of my canine companions (St Bernards & Retriever) also suffer similar torture from our human Heather on a regular basis (however we have not yet had the indignity of swimwear - possibly because she can't find it in our size)
    We don't have to suffer cats either (as we would probably eat them)
    However we are frequently paraded in public - in the show ring. We have discovered this is a perfect arena to showcase our talents.. barking, lying down, nipping her backside etc.

    We shall follow your blog with interest to see if we can learn anything particularly distressing for her...
    If you want a nice holiday across the pond you are welcome to come & join the chaos :-)))


  2. My problem with clothes is that Sarah owns a sewing machine - she altered the swimsuit so it would fit me properly.

    And be very glad about the cats. Very nasty creatures.

    However, I do compliment you on your choice to misbehave while being shown.