On our trip to Chicago this weekend, Sarah (the asshole) managed to out-dumbass even herself. And let me tell you, I know from personal experience that out-dumbassing Sarah is a tough task. She's probably the only person who could actually do it.
On Friday, after leaving me in my kennel for at least three fucking hours (thanks, asshole, I really wanted to sit in the kennel after sitting in the car for three and half hours), Sarah finally decided that maybe she should come home from the bar and let me out of the kennel so I wouldn't have to piss on myself. We were staying at her brother and sister-in-law's townhouse, and Sarah got the code to get into their garage before she left the bar. So, Sarah manages not to forget that number in between the bar and their house (which is somewhat shocking to me), and gets into the house and lets me out.
At which point, the house alarm goes off.
Now, I have to admit, I kind of lost my cool at this point, and ran out the open garage door toward the busy street next to the house (in retrospect, I should have stayed there and made fun of Sarah). But seriously, that thing was fucking loud! I have sensitive ears. There was no way I was going to stay in that house a second longer than I had to. After a few minutes (and two frantic text messages to her sister-in-law), Sarah managed to turn the thing off. So, all was happy and good, right?
Not a fucking chance. Because this is when the CPD shows up. Yes, the police. I'm still running around outside (without my leash - score!), and Sarah is still feeling the effects of three and a half hours of bar time. She drunkenly attempted to explain the situation to the CPD, while I ran around, hoping that maybe (a) Sarah would get arrested for burglary for breaking into the apartment and I would be adopted by the CPD and become a bad ass mo fo police dog, or (b) Sarah would get arrested for public intoxication and I would be adopted by the CPD and become a bad ass mo fo police dog, or (c) Sarah would get arrested for not having me on a leash and I would be adopted by the CPD and become a bad ass mo fo police dog.
But noooo, instead, the police officers start joking around with Sarah about what happened (stupid skinny bitch, soon you're going to be too old and busted to flirt your way out of trouble). And to add insult to injury, she asks if either of them saw me go potty. And one of the officers tells her that he did, indeed, see me do a number two. Seriously? A number two? Are we in kindergarten here, assholes? And why the fuck are you watching me go to the bathroom? That's sick and twisted right there.
Anyway, Sarah didn't get in trouble, I was not adopted by the CPD and did not become a bad ass mo fo police dog, and I was humiliated. I'm sure Sarah was real fucking proud of the evening.
Artie Gets a Puppy
6 months ago