Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Do Not Take My Picture While I Sleep

OK, Sarah (the asshole) needs to have her camera taken away RIGHT NOW:

Seriously. I was taking a fucking nap in the car, and Sarah decides to take a picture of me. This is so, so wrong. There I was, minding my own business, oblivious to the world as I dreamt of locking Sarah in the crate while dangling beer and margaritas in front of the cage, and then snap! Sarah takes a picture of something that should remain out of the public eye.

This is all so very humiliating. I’m sure she has no idea how much email from sick internet perverts I will get after this is published. Actually, maybe she does. That seems very Sarah-like - post pictures of my girl parts so that internet pervs will send me indecent emails. Very sneaky, Sarah. I’m fucking on to you.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Dogs in the News: Panda Version

For the first time since it happened, today is the first time that I have been glad Sarah (the asshole) had me spayed. It all has to do with this article about a dog in China:
"Two red panda cubs abandoned at birth by their mother have found an unlikely wet nurse: a mongrel dog."
Holy shit, that's just fucked up. A dog nursing pandas? Puppy abandonment? This is just so mind bogglingly wrong. I mean, those baby pandas aren't even cute! Have you seen a puppy? All puppies are cute.

Then again, that dog is really small. Maybe it's really a cat. Cats are big enough assholes to think this sort of thing is OK.

Monday, July 6, 2009

A Tornado? Seriously?

OK, so, Sarah (the asshole) took me to Wisconsin for the 4th of July weekend, which was, obviously, awesome. Dog park, lots of people to pester for food, cats to chase up trees, and three straight days where I could avoid Sarah to my heart's content.

Unfortunately, something this awesome could not possibly last (at least, not as long as Sarah is in charge). So, today, Sarah packed up the car and we headed back to Terre Haute. Now, usually, I just pretty much sleep for the entire car ride home. I mean, what the hell does Sarah expect me to do for those five hours? Stare out the window at corn? B-O-R-I-N-G! At least if I am sleeping, I might have an interesting dream where I get to lock Sarah up in the crate at night, and I get to sleep on the comfy bed instead.

Today, though, just for shits and giggles, Sarah decided to liven up the trip home - by DRIVING THROUGH A FUCKING TORNADO. Yes. Seriously. A fucking tornado. Don't believe me? Well, like the dumbass she is, Sarah stopped (after we had driven past the thing) and took a picture:

Of course, being a dumbass, Sarah didn't realize she was driving us through a tornado until after we were past it. Because, you know, the fact that every other car was pulled over to the side of the road wasn't a clue to her. Or, you know, that funnel thing in the sky didn't give her the slightest indication that something was amiss. In case I didn't already suspect that Sarah was trying to kill me, this would confirm it.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dogs In The News: The Not On Your Life Version

So, a crap load lot has been going on in my life lately. Don't worry, I have been giving plenty of life lessons to Sarah (the asshole). More flip flops have been chewed, shit has been shat, and I even managed to spill red Kool-Aid all over a bunch of her stuff the other day. She was pissed off! It was awesome!

Anyway, I saw this article yesterday. It's about a dog who got shot by would-be robbers at someone's house, then the dog proceeded to chase after the robbers, even though she had just been shot. And the dog lived! Now that's a pretty bad ass dog.

Of course, if Sarah thinks I'm going to take a bullet for her, she is fucking stupid. Seriously, she would be lucky if I even barked at robbers coming to the house. The last fucking thing I want is to let some guys with guns know where I am so that they can shoot me. If anything, Sarah should take a bullet for me. I mean, hello, who is the cute one here? At least I make the world a little prettier. Sarah just makes it a little assholier.