Friday, August 27, 2010

Sarah Goes to Vegas = Humiliation for Me

So, Sarah is heading to Las Vegas on Friday. As someone who wears a fur coat 365 days a year, I'm pretty cool with having to stay at home (this is in addition to the obvious reason I am happy to stay home - Sarah won't be here).

Unfortunately, Sarah decided I should wear some Las Vegas themed hats in honor of her trip. Well, they really aren't "Las Vegas themed" so much as "Sarah has come up with the flimsiest of flimsy reasons they are related to Vegas in order to subject me to great humiliation."

Obviously, not cool. You can judge for yourself:

This? I think this is Sarah's idea of something Snoop Dogg, the rapper formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dog, would wear. While I applaud the man's choice in names, I do not applaud Sarah's decision to allow him to influence her in dressing me up. Oh, and if you're asking how come Sarah thinks of Las Vegas and Snoop Dogg together, let me quote you the song 2 of Americaz Most Wanted: "My dream is to own a fly casino - like Bugsy Siegel - but do it all legal." Do you know how I know these lyrics? Because Sarah sang them to me the whole time I was dressed up in this hat. She has a terrible voice. I cannot stress how unpleasant this whole experience was for me.

I call this the prostitute hat. Now, because Sarah watches COPS on a far-too-regular basis, I am well aware that your typical prostitute, even in Las Vegas, wears pretty regular clothing. However, this is more along the lines of Hollywood's idea of a prostitute. On a related note, Sarah has actually worn this hat in public. And sometimes you people wonder why I question her sanity...

My grandpa brought this hat home from Oktoberfest for Sarah, long before I was born. I'm sure he never intended for her to use it in such a cruel and humiliating manner. I initially wondered what slim link there could be between Las Vegas and Munich, but then I remembered that alcohol is free if you're gambling, and thus the connection with the beer halls of Munich became clear. What scares me about this is that I can understand Sarah so easily. I really hope I'm not getting to be more like her.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Halloween Isn't For Two Months

So, Sarah, being a jerk, went to the pet store this morning without me. I love the pet store - I get treats from the employees, get to see other dogs, and even when I have to get my nails clipped there, it's still pretty cool.

Unfortunately for me, the pet store already had its Halloween costume selection out. Yes, over two months before Halloween. And, because Sarah didn't take me there this morning, I didn't even have a chance to prevent her from purchasing an outfit for me.

Here's what she came home with:

A shark? Really? I don't even like to swim. And it's not even a great white, it's some random blue shark. And no, I'm not grateful it's not pink. It's still a costume.

Now, I am almost positive this isn't the only costume I will be forced to endure before Halloween. I mean, I've already discussed my pumpkin and chicken costumes that Sarah got last year, and which I am sure she will break out at some point. There are still months for Sarah to come up with more humiliating costumes.

This is so wrong.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Tweet This, Sarah

So, the other night Sarah got a package. I could tell right away that it was something for me, because (a) It was pink, and (b) Sarah kept telling me I was really going to get excited about this. I could tell it wasn't clothes, but I had no idea what it was.

Turns out, it might be worse than clothes.

You see, a few months ago, Sarah discovered this contraption online that hooks to a dog collar, sort of like my camera. Except, instead of a camera, it's some sort of contraption that sends messages to the computer, which then puts them on Twitter. It's called Puppy Tweets. I have a picture:

Pink. And stupid. Sarah loves it.

Now, this would be all fine and dandy if the tweets were things that I'm actually doing or saying. But they're not, they're just random crap that has nothing to do with what I am actually thinking. And they're stupid to boot! For example, here are some of the things it has said today:
Puppy Tweets rules! Finally I can express my thoughts and feelings to the world! One question: does it matter if I get slobber on it?

In typical fashion, the cat down the street is registered as an Independent. They can't ever commit to anything.

L'il help! Nose stuck in bird feeder!
Obviously, this is not cool. Sarah, of course, thinks it is awesome, and has hooked it up to her Twitter account. You can go there and see more stupid things this contraption attributes to me, but I recommend against it.

Also, a note to all inventors out there: Please stop inventing stupid things for dogs. Sarah buys them, when she could be buying me treats or something I actually want. Thanks.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Dogs Don't Need Life Jackets

So, Sarah and I were once again in Wisconsin this weekend. The reason? Sarah's friend was having a bachelorette party. Now, as part of this party, Sarah was going on a boat. Of course, Sarah decided this was a good reason to dress me up in a boating outfit, even though I was not invited on the boat, and have never even been on boat in my life.

The least Sarah could have done was put me in a life jacket made in the last twenty years. This is less "cool and retro" than "I'm pretty sure this is so old that it has lost its floating ability and would NOT save me in the event that I fell in the lake and was drowning."

Now, here's my major complaint about this. I'm a dog. I can swim just fine without flotation devices. We've already discussed this, but Sarah seems unable to get it through her thick skull, even though she has seen me swim before, and even though I have no intention of swimming ever again (not a big fan). I guess I should just be grateful that this isn't pink, but still. Not happy about this life jacket thing.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

There Is No Point to This Outfit

You know, I remember a time when Sarah required some excuse to dress me up. That time is no longer. You see, today, she went to the store to get some food, and instead of coming home with some hot dogs or other dog treats for me, this is what I got:

The hat really seals the deal on this being a stupid thing to do to a dog.

Really Sarah? Is this what you thought I wanted from the store? You know, for the $8.50 this outfit cost, I could have been knee deep in hot dogs or milk bones.

And don't think I didn't see that the tank top was part of a two-pack...I'm sure that will be broken out soon as well. Unless, of course, I manage to get to it first.