Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas, Part 2

So, while Christmas started off pretty badly, it promptly got worse. First, we have a little snow in Indiana. Enough so that it looks like Christmas, but not so much that it inhibits my ability to walk around and take care of my bodily functions. It's pretty much the perfect amount of snow. Wisconsin? Not so much.

This definitely qualifies as too much snow. WAY too much snow. And I'm supposed to squat and poop in this. Needless to say, it typically does not go well. Perhaps I should learn to use the litter box. Or not.

Second, Sarah FINALLY got me a stocking. This should be something fun and exciting. However, we're talking about something Sarah purchased here. And she didn't get me something nice and pretty and appropriate. Instead, she got me a horrible stocking, that I do not like at all.

Yes, it's pink. Yes, it suggests that I am naughty. No, I do not approve. At all.

This whole thing was made even worse because, just before Christmas, I broke a window. Now, this really shouldn't be considered my fault. After all, there was a squirrel sitting just outside the window on a fence, and it was taunting me. And really, the window should have been able to hold my weight, because, seriously, 65(-ish) pounds is not that much. But, I did pound on the window as I barked at the squirrel and break it, so I guess I could see how some people (namely, Santa and Sarah) would think that I had been naughty and decide not to bring my presents. So, having a stocking that suggests I am naughty makes me a little worried.

Is this the face of a naughty dog? I think not.

It turns out, come Christmas morning, my fears of being on the naughty list were seemingly coming true...

Monday, December 27, 2010

Christmas, Part 1

OK, so rather than tell you all about my Christmas in one long post, I am going to break it up into several (in theory, this is to highlight specific aspects of my Christmas, but in reality, I'm just a lazy dog at heart and this is easier than sitting down and writing one long post).

Things started out rather badly for me, I have to say. First, my cousin Izzy did not come to Wisconsin for Christmas. My Aunt and Uncle went to California to see her family, so no Izzy for me to play with here in Wisconsin. More importantly, even though we had a relatively uneventful trip from Indiana to Wisconsin (always a question of whether our trip will be scary - Sarah is a HORRIBLE driver), almost the moment we woke up the next morning, Sarah had me wearing yet another Christmas shirt.

"Meet me under the Mistletoe." There are no boy dogs at my grandparents' house, only boy cats (and humans). I am NOT kissing one of the cats. So this shirt is not only stupid, it's an inaccurate statement on my feelings about mistletoe. 

As you can see, this shirt is FAR too small for me (yes, if you must ask, I have been hitting the treats a little hard this Christmas season. But with Sarah, you eat treats when you get a chance. Who knows when the next treats might be coming). And so, unsurprisingly, my trip to Wisconsin started off quite poorly...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

More Supposed Christmas Merriment

And so, another day, another Christmas outfit. This one doesn't even fit properly.

Yes, it's a sparkly Santa coat. It was the largest one the store had, and it still doesn't fit. Of course, that didn't stop Sarah from buying it and making me wear it.

On the plus side, as it doesn't fit properly, I bet this means I won't have to wear it out at my grandparents' house (where I am headed later today). So there's that. However, I cannot wait for Christmas to be over (even if that does mean I have to worry about Sarah putting a diaper on me for New Year's - I shiver at the thought of that. Though I could probably get on board with not having to go outside to use the bathroom when it cold).

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Does This Sweater Make My Butt Look Big?

OK, I will give Sarah this. In terms of sheer humiliation, this sweater is much better than the ridiculous reindeer outfit she had me in yesterday. However, that being said, it's still not good.

It's not pink. So there's that as well. However, I think it's a little too manly. People already think I'm a boy. I don't need to encourage that.And I'm not sure if it's the angle or what, but my butt looks rather large in this picture.

Unfortunately for me, unlike the reindeer outfit, which I only had to wear for a few minutes, Sarah keeps putting the sweater on me and making me wear it around the house. I'm unsure of the purpose of this, as it is like a sauna in here already in here (someone seems to think that if she keeps the house nice and hot, it will somehow translate to the sudden appearance of palm trees in Indiana. It seems to me that Sarah may be delusional, in addition to all of her other problems). I cannot wait to get out of here for Christmas and on the road to Wisconsin. Hopefully I can sneak out of my grandparents' house and ditch all this clothing.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Not a Happy Reindeer Dog

You know, Halloween should only come once a year. Unfortunately for me, Sarah seems to think I need costumes throughout the year.

You think this is bad? It gets worse. The nose lights up.

All I want for Christmas? A day without humiliation.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Jingle Bells, Choppy Style

Today's blog post is in the form of three versions of the chorus of "Jingle Bells." If you want to listen to a version of the song while you read this post, I suggest this one. If you like torturing yourself, I suggest this one.

Jingle bells, Sarah smells, not in a good way
Not so fun, when I can't hide, 'cause of this array

Jingle bells, I can tell, Sarah hates me - hey
Nice humans, please take my side, take this hat away

Jingle bells, jingle bells, poor Iz and Chop-pay
Not so fun, it hurts our pride, when Sarah has her way

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

'Tis the Season for Humiliation

You know, for some, the holidays are a special time, where you get to see family and friends, and enjoy good times with those you love.

For me, the holidays are just an excuse for Sarah to humiliate me on a daily basis. This morning, she broke out a new t-shirt.

The shirt says: "Naughty - It's the new nice." I have no idea where Sarah comes up with these shirts. But wherever it is needs to get out of the dog clothing business.

"Naughty - It's the new nice." Seriously? I need there to be a naughty list. I figure that the more people on the naughty list, the more things that there will be for me (who, obviously, is on the nice list). I have been super good all year long. I only got a few things off of the counter, and seriously, there is no reason for me not to get on the good couch, despite Sarah's desires to the contrary. And I have done numerous good deeds this year, particularly with regard to the chasing of nasty squirrels in my backyard.

So, looking at this picture, it appears that I maybe need to lay off the Christmas treats a little bit. Or, Sarah could just start buying me a larger size (I prefer the latter option. I need my treats! And besides, it's not like anyone looks at the sizes on dog clothing...I hope).

Anyway, I am sure this is not the end of the humiliation this Christmas, as there have already been documented incidents involving a Christmas sweater on my Facebook page, as well as here on Choppy's Dog House. There is also an undocumented incident involving bells and my cousin Izzy (I hope those pictures never see the light of day...). I can't wait for the Christmas season to be over.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Woo hoo! A contest! Everyone loves contests! Especially easy ones. And trust me, this one is super easy.

A while back, I got this awesome book (for free!) called Pukka: The Pup After Merle. Now, I love getting free stuff, because (a) Sarah doesn't get to complain that if I want more stuff, I should get a job and work for it, and (b) free = awesome in general. Sarah, being the jerk that she is, didn't get around to reading the book until this last weekend.

I look much smarter when I have a book in front of me. I should encourage Sarah to take more of these pictures, and fewer of the kind where I am wearing clothes. Also, I think the placement of the book hides some of my girth. Never a bad thing.

Now, the author of this book (Ted Kerasote) also wrote a book called Merle's Door: Lessons from a Freethinking Dog, which Sarah has also read, and she cried A LOT when she read that. I'm sure it had something to do with how much she hates me and would rather have another dog. However, I tend to avoid her when she cries, lest she grab me and try to use my fur as a tissue, so I have no actual idea why she was crying.

Anyway, Merle's Door was a real book, with far-too-few pictures for my taste (Sarah thoroughly enjoyed it though. Typical). However, this Pukka: The Pup After Merle book is almost all pictures, which is awesome. I am sure it would also make a great Christmas present for someone who likes dogs (so, don't buy it for Sarah).

But, the best thing is, one of you is going to get a copy of Pukka without having to buy it! All you have to do is leave a comment on this post or on my Facebook page (it can be any sort of comment), and next Monday, I will randomly pick a winner, and send them the book! Super easy!

Good luck!