I Could Use Some Independence - Part Two (Actual 4th of July Version)

So, having been dressed up last week for the 4th of July, I thought I might get out of an outfit for the actual 4th of July.

Turns out, like so many times before, I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Yet another tiara. Seriously, I've never seen anyone wear one on the 4th of July, yet Sarah has managed to come up with TWO of them this year. And do you see those fireworks in the back? Those things look dangerous, particularly in the hands of someone like Sarah, who can't even manage to get through a day without running into a wall or tripping over something or doing all manner of other clumsy things. I don't want to be anywhere near her when she is setting those off.

Thankfully, I'm up in Wisconsin, where there is plenty of room to avoid Sarah. I have been doing an OK job of that, but obviously, you can see in these pictures that I didn't do a great job, because she caught me long enough to dress me up. In front of the cats, no less, so I'm sure they thoroughly enjoyed my humiliation. It's going to take weeks of chasing them to make up for their amusement at my expense.

This is not the look of a dog who is having a good time. Trust me on that one.

Anyway, have a safe and happy 4th of July everyone!

I Could Use Some Independence

Last 4th of July, Sarah decided it would be a good idea to paint "U.S.A." on my side. Although I have tried to forget that traumatic experience, it's still burned into my brain.

We're headed to Wisconsin for the weekend, so Sarah decided I needed to get dressed up for the 4th of July today. She had to do it today, because we are headed up there tonight and she wanted to make sure she had something she finds amusing to show off before we get there (I'll be sure to post pics and maybe some video of the trip at my Facebook page). This is what she came up with this year to humiliate me with:

 

This is your owner's brain at 32, single, and with too few hobbies.

And if you missed it, here's what she did to me last year:

I'm hoping the paints stay at home this year.

Anyway, here's hoping that you have a Happy 4th of July. Preferably one where all dogs you know remain paint-free.

Happy Father's Day!

I usually don't post on Sundays, but I thought I would take this chance to wish everyone (but especially my grandpa) a Happy Father's Day!

A heartfelt sentiment from yours truly on Father's Day.

As I never knew my biological dad (he took off before I was born - and no one can even tell me what breed he was, let alone who he was), I'm glad I have someone I can wish a happy day to!

May the Fourth Be With You - Or Not

Sarah, in addition to being a horrible person, has a streak of dorkiness a mile wide, as will be demonstrated in this post. This should be her theme song for this particular blog post.

Anyway, Sarah's horribleness is directly responsible for what I am wearing in this picture:

It's a Yoda costume. Or, as Sarah would probably want me to say, "Yoda costume it is." So unbelievably horrible. And dorky.

You see, today is May 4th, which means that people like Sarah who harbor love for Star Wars turn "May the force be with you" to "May the fourth be with you." I can't believe I have to live with someone who finds this amusing.

Adventure? Excitement? Choppy craves not these things. She only craves an owner who does not dress her up for holidays that don't actually exist.

St. Patrick's Day = Horrible

Now, Sarah does love to humiliate me. I think if you're on my website, you're well aware of this by now. However, she seems to take even greater pleasure in humiliating me on certain days. St. Patrick's Day is one of those days. In case you don't remember, this is what she had me in last year. Not my finest hour.

Unfortunately, it was quite pleasant compared to what she had me in this year.

Like last year, there is the green-colored water that is supposed to be beer. And, like last year, I was given no alcohol to wash away the memories of this outfit.

Most of this outfit is actually a costume Sarah wore. Yes, she actually wore these items in public, for the world to see. This is horrifying. At least she didn't bring me with her.

I look drunk in this picture. I wasn't. I wish I had been.

I am pretty sure she can't outdo this year, next year. I'm sure she'll try, though.

Take These Beads, Please

So, next week is Mardi Gras. Sarah and her sister go down to New Orleans nearly every Mardi Gras, and they are going again this year. For those who don't know, Sarah came back from Mardi Gras after her 30th birthday and got me. So obviously, Mardi Gras is NOT my favorite holiday (though I do enjoy having a few days off from Sarah while she is on vacation).

Of course, I like it even less after what Sarah did to me this year for Mardi Gras.

Yes, it's a Mardi Gras-themed feather hat (and beads, of course). I don't know exactly where she gets these things, but I'm pretty sure I can blame the internet for this one.

I can't tell you how happy I am going to be to be rid of her for a few days.

Another view. Because one picture of this ensemble just wasn't humiliating enough.

I Do Not Heart Sarah

As you are probably aware, Sarah is perpetually single. While most women who are within two weeks of their 32nd birthdays would find this a state of affairs to be remedied as quickly as possible, Sarah seems entirely content to be single. Probably because it means she can devote 100% of her energy to tormenting me.

Anyway, while many a single almost 32-year old would be lamenting yet another year of Valentine's Day without a mans to buy her roses or chocolates, Sarah takes joy in having another excuse to dress me up.

The proper sentiment in my world is Licks and Butt Sniffs.

There is a LOT of pink in that picture. Also, lest you see the toy and think that Sarah is secretly hiding a boyfriend who bought it for her from me, I feel the need to point out that the stuffed animal in this picture belongs to her sister. Which also means that, instead of getting to chew it up, Sarah took this picture and immediately hid the panda from me. SO MEAN. But so par for the course.

Dog As Dog

Sarah has truly outdone herself. As you may know, last Friday was Dress Up Your Pet Day (whoever invented that is a cruel, cruel, person. Unless, of course, they intended the day to apply to cats only. In which case, this person is a national hero). Lucky for me, Sarah was in Wisconsin, so I avoided it. Or, at least, I thought that I had avoided it.

Turns out, I was wrong. Sarah decided to make up for missing the day this morning.

Yes, Sarah dressed me, a dog, in a dog mask. It makes no sense. I really should stop even trying to make sense out of what she does.

Sarah seems to have interpreted "Dress Up Your Pet Day" as "Dress Your Pet Up as a Pet Day," because I cannot fathom any other possible explanation for why she would want a dog to wear a dog mask. I guess I should be thankful that she didn't find a cat mask for me. Although it would have made more sense, it would have been that much more humiliating.

Christmas, Part 3 (The End)

So, when I woke up Christmas morning, there was a bit of panic on my part. You see, all of the stockings had been taken down and filled with goodies, EXCEPT MINE! This was cause for panic.

You can tell Santa has been to my grandparents' house by the nearly empty glass of milk and the partially eaten cookies. And yet, there my stocking is, all alone and unfilled. Horrible!

Christmas was turning out terrible. But then, things started looking up. You see, it turns out that even though there was nothing in my stocking, there were gifts for me! Here's my first (yup, first!) bag of them.

After the whole stocking debacle, you would be sticking your head in the bag like this, too. 

Santa did come for me! I should never have doubted the cuteness to attract him my way. And, unlike Sarah would have done, Santa brought me ZERO items of clothing. Santa rocks!

There were three big bags of stuff for me. Unfortunately, he failed to bring me the number one item on my list: a new owner. Well, there's always next year.

Christmas, Part 2

So, while Christmas started off pretty badly, it promptly got worse. First, we have a little snow in Indiana. Enough so that it looks like Christmas, but not so much that it inhibits my ability to walk around and take care of my bodily functions. It's pretty much the perfect amount of snow. Wisconsin? Not so much.

This definitely qualifies as too much snow. WAY too much snow. And I'm supposed to squat and poop in this. Needless to say, it typically does not go well. Perhaps I should learn to use the litter box. Or not.

Second, Sarah FINALLY got me a stocking. This should be something fun and exciting. However, we're talking about something Sarah purchased here. And she didn't get me something nice and pretty and appropriate. Instead, she got me a horrible stocking, that I do not like at all.

Yes, it's pink. Yes, it suggests that I am naughty. No, I do not approve. At all.

This whole thing was made even worse because, just before Christmas, I broke a window. Now, this really shouldn't be considered my fault. After all, there was a squirrel sitting just outside the window on a fence, and it was taunting me. And really, the window should have been able to hold my weight, because, seriously, 65(-ish) pounds is not that much. But, I did pound on the window as I barked at the squirrel and break it, so I guess I could see how some people (namely, Santa and Sarah) would think that I had been naughty and decide not to bring my presents. So, having a stocking that suggests I am naughty makes me a little worried.

Is this the face of a naughty dog? I think not.

It turns out, come Christmas morning, my fears of being on the naughty list were seemingly coming true...

Christmas, Part 1

OK, so rather than tell you all about my Christmas in one long post, I am going to break it up into several (in theory, this is to highlight specific aspects of my Christmas, but in reality, I'm just a lazy dog at heart and this is easier than sitting down and writing one long post).

Things started out rather badly for me, I have to say. First, my cousin Izzy did not come to Wisconsin for Christmas. My Aunt and Uncle went to California to see her family, so no Izzy for me to play with here in Wisconsin. More importantly, even though we had a relatively uneventful trip from Indiana to Wisconsin (always a question of whether our trip will be scary - Sarah is a HORRIBLE driver), almost the moment we woke up the next morning, Sarah had me wearing yet another Christmas shirt.

"Meet me under the Mistletoe." There are no boy dogs at my grandparents' house, only boy cats (and humans). I am NOT kissing one of the cats. So this shirt is not only stupid, it's an inaccurate statement on my feelings about mistletoe. 

As you can see, this shirt is FAR too small for me (yes, if you must ask, I have been hitting the treats a little hard this Christmas season. But with Sarah, you eat treats when you get a chance. Who knows when the next treats might be coming). And so, unsurprisingly, my trip to Wisconsin started off quite poorly...

More Supposed Christmas Merriment

And so, another day, another Christmas outfit. This one doesn't even fit properly.

 

Yes, it's a sparkly Santa coat. It was the largest one the store had, and it still doesn't fit. Of course, that didn't stop Sarah from buying it and making me wear it.

On the plus side, as it doesn't fit properly, I bet this means I won't have to wear it out at my grandparents' house (where I am headed later today). So there's that. However, I cannot wait for Christmas to be over (even if that does mean I have to worry about Sarah putting a diaper on me for New Year's - I shiver at the thought of that. Though I could probably get on board with not having to go outside to use the bathroom when it cold).

Does This Sweater Make My Butt Look Big?

OK, I will give Sarah this. In terms of sheer humiliation, this sweater is much better than the ridiculous reindeer outfit she had me in yesterday. However, that being said, it's still not good.

It's not pink. So there's that as well. However, I think it's a little too manly. People already think I'm a boy. I don't need to encourage that.And I'm not sure if it's the angle or what, but my butt looks rather large in this picture.

Unfortunately for me, unlike the reindeer outfit, which I only had to wear for a few minutes, Sarah keeps putting the sweater on me and making me wear it around the house. I'm unsure of the purpose of this, as it is like a sauna in here already in here (someone seems to think that if she keeps the house nice and hot, it will somehow translate to the sudden appearance of palm trees in Indiana. It seems to me that Sarah may be delusional, in addition to all of her other problems). I cannot wait to get out of here for Christmas and on the road to Wisconsin. Hopefully I can sneak out of my grandparents' house and ditch all this clothing.

Not a Happy Reindeer Dog

You know, Halloween should only come once a year. Unfortunately for me, Sarah seems to think I need costumes throughout the year.

You think this is bad? It gets worse. The nose lights up.

All I want for Christmas? A day without humiliation.

Jingle Bells, Choppy Style

Today's blog post is in the form of three versions of the chorus of "Jingle Bells." If you want to listen to a version of the song while you read this post, I suggest this one. If you like torturing yourself, I suggest this one.

Jingle bells, Sarah smells, not in a good way

Not so fun, when I can't hide, 'cause of this array

 

Jingle bells, I can tell, Sarah hates me - hey

Nice humans, please take my side, take this hat away

Jingle bells, jingle bells, poor Iz and Chop-pay

Not so fun, it hurts our pride, when Sarah has her way

'Tis the Season for Humiliation

You know, for some, the holidays are a special time, where you get to see family and friends, and enjoy good times with those you love.

For me, the holidays are just an excuse for Sarah to humiliate me on a daily basis. This morning, she broke out a new t-shirt.

The shirt says: "Naughty - It's the new nice." I have no idea where Sarah comes up with these shirts. But wherever it is needs to get out of the dog clothing business.

"Naughty - It's the new nice." Seriously? I need there to be a naughty list. I figure that the more people on the naughty list, the more things that there will be for me (who, obviously, is on the nice list). I have been super good all year long. I only got a few things off of the counter, and seriously, there is no reason for me not to get on the good couch, despite Sarah's desires to the contrary. And I have done numerous good deeds this year, particularly with regard to the chasing of nasty squirrels in my backyard.

 

So, looking at this picture, it appears that I maybe need to lay off the Christmas treats a little bit. Or, Sarah could just start buying me a larger size (I prefer the latter option. I need my treats! And besides, it's not like anyone looks at the sizes on dog clothing...I hope).

Anyway, I am sure this is not the end of the humiliation this Christmas, as there have already been documented incidents involving a Christmas sweater on my Facebook page, as well as here on Choppy's Dog House. There is also an undocumented incident involving bells and my cousin Izzy (I hope those pictures never see the light of day...). I can't wait for the Christmas season to be over.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry - Wait a Minute...

I have to say, I love Christmas. Trip to my grandparents' house, lots of food, presents - it's pretty awesome. Unfortunately, I also have to deal with Sarah's crap. Last year, it involved a reindeer costume. With a light up nose. Needless to say, that part of Christmas is horrible. And I really don't want to remind Sarah about that outfit, because she didn't take many pictures of me in it. I would rather that such pictures never find their way out of her possession.

Unfortunately for me, Sarah decided that she would get in the Christmas spirit extra early this year, so she purchased me a Christmas dress.

This picture does not do justice to the sheer amount of sparkle this dress involves. That's not supposed to be a compliment. This isn't Toddlers & Tiaras, people.

Really, Sarah? A Christmas dress? Do you think I need a dress? It's not like I'm even allowed to go to church, and that's the only place I could think I would be wearing this. Note: This complaint is in addition to the general complaint that dogs don't need clothes.

Anyway, having put me in the Christmas dress, Sarah would not leave the whole Christmas thing alone. So, off she went to fetch something else.

A Santa hat. I should have guessed this one was coming.

Anyway, as Christmas approaches, I'm pretty sure that things are only going to get worse. I'll keep you posted.

Bah Humbug.

Halloween Isn't For Two Months

So, Sarah, being a jerk, went to the pet store this morning without me. I love the pet store - I get treats from the employees, get to see other dogs, and even when I have to get my nails clipped there, it's still pretty cool.

Unfortunately for me, the pet store already had its Halloween costume selection out. Yes, over two months before Halloween. And, because Sarah didn't take me there this morning, I didn't even have a chance to prevent her from purchasing an outfit for me.

Here's what she came home with:

A shark? Really? I don't even like to swim. And it's not even a great white, it's some random blue shark. And no, I'm not grateful it's not pink. It's still a costume.

Now, I am almost positive this isn't the only costume I will be forced to endure before Halloween. I mean, I've already discussed my pumpkin and chicken costumes that Sarah got last year, and which I am sure she will break out at some point. There are still months for Sarah to come up with more humiliating costumes.

This is so wrong.

Happy Cinqo de Mayo!

Sarah really has a thing about dressing me up for the holidays. Normally, this is where I would link to all those posts, but seriously. I look like a tool when she dresses me up. If you want to see the other ways she has humiliated me for the holidays, I'll let you figure it out on your own.

Here's what she did to me for Cinqo de Mayo:


You know, the least Sarah could have done was choose a picture where my eyes were open. But nooooo, she had to choose one that made me look drunk, even though (a) Sarah never gives me any booze - she hoards it for herself, and (b) I look even more like a tool this way than if she had just put a sombrero on me and called it a day.

And also, for the record, who puts a sombrero on a dog? I'll tell you who: Sarah. Hate. Hate. Hate.

Yesterday Was a GREAT Day!

Oh my gosh! You have to hear about my AWESOME Wednesday.

I knew it was going to be a great day, because Sarah (my AWESOME owner) woke up early, and took me on a nice, long walk. I had just gotten to the park, when I saw my dog friend, Brownie. Brownie's Mom gave me TWO treats, just for me being cute little me.

Then, because there was hardly anyone in the park, Sarah let me chase some squirrels! I totally almost caught two of them. Next time...

Then, we went to see the park's caretaker, who gave me not one, not two, but THREE treats! Just for me being cute little me!

Look at me! I sit so well! No wonder people give me treats!

When we got back home, Sarah gave me both a treat, and a rawhide! I took care of eating that before Sarah left for work, then took a nice, long nap until Sarah came home for lunch. At lunch, we played a little (I have some cool new toys that I already de-squeaked, but they're still fun to tear apart). Then Sarah went back to work, but it was OK, because I knew it was nice outside, and we would take a nice long walk when she got home.

And guess what? We did take a nice long walk! Then, even better, we got home from the walk, and Sarah cooked STEAK on the grill. Sarah even gave me a big piece of her steak (and I think she's saving a little bit more for me to eat some other time).

After that, Sarah hung out in the backyard with me, and when it got dark, we went inside and hung out there. Yesterday was a GREAT day!

APRIL FOOL!

Like my life is ever this good. Of course, Sarah probably thinks this is how I feel about my life every day. Because she's not just an April Fool, she's an Everyday Fool. Yesterday sucked. It was just like every other day in my life.