Dogs in the News: Ice Cream Version!

This? This is brilliant. A dog ice cream truck is pretty much the greatest thing that I have ever heard of.

Ice cream? Yes, please! I call this creation the "hot dog sundae," though this one is actually a bratwurst sundae. I would eat these everyday if we had an doggie ice cream truck in Indiana.

Unfortunately, it's in England. That's nowhere near Indiana. So I guess I will just have to continue living in a world without such wonderful things, because there is ZERO chance Sarah takes me somewhere cool enough to have a dog ice cream truck.

Dogs in the News: Things I Don't Want to Find in the Backyard Edition

OK, I know I complain about squirrels a lot, but it turns out that there are worse things that could taunt me in the backyard: alligators.

Now, some of you probably live places where alligators are pretty common. I can assure you, in the middle of Indiana, they are not so common. Which is why this story from Columbus, Ohio, is so scary. You see, Columbus is very similar to where I live - in the middle of the country, seemingly safe from warm weather dangers arising out of the murky depths of swamps. But, apparently, I was mistaken about what one can find here in the middle of America:

Sales manager Jeff Colucy had his Weimaraner in the parking lot at a Columbus company that makes office fixtures when the dog went "on point" Wednesday morning.

Colucy told his boss he discovered the dog was focused on an alligator hunkered down in a puddle.

You know what the scariest part about that is? The alligator was not even in a swamp - it was in a PUDDLE. I have an entire mini pool in my backyard, think of the number of gators that could live in something like that! Terrifying.

This? This is a horrible thing to do to your dog (but illustrative of the horrors of alligators and dogs, even if it is in costume and not actual form). I'm sure Sarah is already considering this for one of my Halloween costumes this year.

On the plus side, perhaps this will make Sarah reconsider the pool (and, more importantly, dressing me up to go swimming).

Dogs in the News: Never Gonna Happen Edition

This? This is a dog mansion:


Yeah, that's never gonna happen in my lifetime. You suck, Sarah.

Dogs in the News: Baseball Pooper Version

Oh, man, I LOVE this video:



I swear, I will never get tired of watching stupid humans chasing an obviously much smarter dog around. And the part where it stops to take a crap? Priceless. I'm hoping Sarah takes me to a baseball game sometime, because I would totally love to try this myself. Except, of course, I would hope that the authorities would take me away from Sarah for letting me get loose at a baseball park and I could go live with someone better.

Dogs in the News: Automatic Dog Washing Machine Version

OK, there are times in my life when I think that living with any human other than Sarah would be an improvement. However, it turns out that there are all sorts of other humans out there who would not be much of a step up. Take, for example, the man who invented this automatic dog washing machine. An automatic dog washing machine? Are you kidding me? Apparently not, because here's a picture of the thing (with more at the link):

Though the linked website is from China, the machine itself is in Japan. Of course a nation obsessed with Hello Kitty would invent something so anti-dog as an automatic dog washing machine.
Now, if you read this blog on a regular basis, you know that I am not too fond of getting baths. But at least if Sarah is involved in the process, there is the chance for me to get her all wet. However, this machine takes away that one, small part of bath time that gives me even the slightest bit of joy. Boo!

Thankfully, Sarah is not planning to take me to Japan anytime soon (as far as I know - she's sneaky enough that she might be planning just such a trip, and not telling me about it). So, for the time being, bath time will continue to be a chance for me to soak Sarah and otherwise cause trouble for her. Still, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have nightmares about this machine tonight.

Dogs in the News: Jamaican Dogsled Edition

Dude, there's a Jamaican dogsled team! Well, I guess it's less of a team than a dude with some dogs. And a sled. But still, pretty fucking cool.

You know, even though it would be a really cold job, being a dog on the Jamaican dogsled team would definitely beat my life with Sarah (the asshole), even if the dude is sponsored by Jimmy Buffett and I would have to listen to that shit while we trained. He seriously cannot listen to as much Jimmy Buffett as she does. I swear, sometimes I think that if I hear Fins one more time, I'm going to go shark on Sarah, and not in a pleasant way for her.

The Way Things Ought to Be

I have many, many recurring dreams about potential role reversals involving Sarah (the asshole). Like, instead of her driving, I drive the car. And she gets put in the kennel instead of me. And I get to sleep in bed instead of her. You get the point.

It turns out, some dogs are lucky bastards and actually get to live out this fantasy, by mushing humans:


Here's the article. And, as if this wasn't fucking cool enough already, it was sponsored by Snausages. Those things are fabulous. Almost as good as Beggin' Strips.

Another Cool Dog Job

So, I have discovered yet another awesome job. Of course, like Sarah (the asshole) would ever let me do something like join the Army. Because that would be awesome, and Sarah is anything but.

Dogs in the News: Obvious Edition

Here's a headline for you: "Your Dog May Be Smarter Than Your Kid."

No shit, Sherlock.

Dogs in the News: Burnin' Down the House Edition

You know how people are always fucking complaining about news coverage? I’ve got my own complaint over this particular article: “Dog Blamed for $10K House Fire.”

Seriously, news assholes, not cool. Did you ever stop to think about the dog in this story? Did you even consider that the owners of this particular dog might have been fucking lying to get themselves out of trouble?

I mean, look at these lines from the story: “Fire investigators in Baton Rouge say the pup was playing with a pillow a little bit too close to a space heater, and the cushion ignited. Two people were asleep in the bedroom when they woke up at 4 a.m. Thursday to find flames in the room.” That sounds fucking fishy to me. Did this reporter ever stop to think that one of the people who was asleep in the room knocked the pillow onto the space heater? Or, more likely, the humans were getting frisky and knocked a pillow onto the space heater, and were too embarrassed to say so? I’m a fucking dog and these possibilities are immediately obvious to me. And humans think they are so fucking smart...

On the plus side, this article does give me a new idea of a way to piss off Sarah.

Dogs in the News: Russian Subway Edition

I saw Sarah (the asshole) looking at an article on Russian stray dogs this morning. I have to say, the article was pretty fucking cool. For example, it contained this picture:

If that's the way things are in Russia, that's awesome. Person on floor, dog on bench. The way things ought to be, if you ask me. Not like Sarah ever would care about my thoughts and desires, but a bitch can hope.

Also, there was some dog porn video at the end. For free! That's worth a trip to the website alone. It's a little bit short, but if you like small dog on big dog action (SDOBD, for those who prefer its acronym), it should float your boat.

Unfortunately, not everything about this article was good, as it seems to have given Sarah the idea that she should take me on the el next time we are in Chicago. Newsflash, asshole: I don't do public transportation. While I may complain about your piece of shit car on a regular basis, it is infinitely better than public transportation. Seriously, have you seen some of the people on there? I could get fleas just by sitting on some of those seats. And do you really want to deal with a flea-ridden dog? I highly doubt it. So, asshole, just try to make me ride the el. You will only try it once.