Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I Am Not a Monkey

Sarah operates under the misguided notion that I am a creature put on this planet solely for her amusement. Of course, only she thinks of it as "amusement" - I tend to categorize what she considers amusing as humiliation, degradation, great indignities, or some combination of the three.

Take one of her winter projects, which was to teach me to catch a Frisbee. Now, on the one hand, I really don't want to learn to catch a Frisbee. I mean, it's just humiliating on so many levels. It's like she wants me to be her trained monkey, and do whatever she wants me to, whenever she wants me to. That? Not cool. Not cool at all.

On the other hand, if I don't do the trick, it suggests to Sarah that I'm stupid, and unable to learn the absolutely inane things that she wants me to do. The last thing I want is for Sarah to think is that I'm stupid, because, obviously, I'm not (unlike Sarah, who does so many stupid things on a daily basis that she could have a blog devoted entirely to the subject: "Stupid Things Sarah Did Today." A stupid name for a stupid person).

It's quite the conundrum, actually. Do Something Degrading vs. Looking Smart. Ultimately, I chose looking smart. I mean, catching a Frisbee is SOOO easy. It took me, like, no time to become pretty decent at it.

What I didn't count on was that Sarah would put evidence of my humiliation on the internet, for the whole world to see:

Of course Sarah would humiliate me by putting this on the internet. I should have known better.

But I do have one trump card that's not in the video. Even though I look all nice and obedient, I refused to give Sarah the Frisbee back. So, while I do catch the Frisbee all nice, I proceeded to run around the yard and chew on it, preventing Sarah from throwing it again and humiliating me further.

I'm calling this one even. But next time, I'm figuring out a way to get the upper hand.


  1. Choppy, I feel your pain. Playing fetch for a lawyer must really suck.

    Look at it from her point of view; she has humans fetching stuff for her all day, so why shouldn't you be any different?

    You need to rebel. Show Sarah that you are your own dog. Best thing to do with that frisbee is after you catch it, jump up and toss it over the fence. Then she can go on the other side of the fence and fetch it. Ha! Now there's a trick. Plus, you can yap about how you trained her next time you see the other dogs at the dog park.

    Everyone knows that what a dog really wants is a good, fuzzy tennis ball to chew up. I hope you get one.

  2. Michael H., you are f-ing brilliant (Doggie Grandma has suggested that I swear less - as I live in constant hope that maybe Doggie Papoo and Grandma will adopt me and keep me in Wisconsin permanently, I listen to what Doggie Grandma tells me. At least a little).

    The caretaker at the park gave me a tennis ball this morning that she had found near the tennis courts. Someone had lost it. Do you know what Sarah did with it? She took it away from me and hid it. She said I couldn't have it until later. Asshole.

    This whole throwing the Frisbee over the fence thing is a great idea! I'm trying to perfect getting my whole self over the fence. Rumor has it that my next door neighbor has access to Indy 500 tickets. I'm hoping that I can negotiate good seats for the Indy 500 in exchange for me (and, for me, permanent access to the bird feeder that the neighborhood squirrels frequent).