Dogs in the News: Obvious Edition

Here's a headline for you: "Your Dog May Be Smarter Than Your Kid."

No shit, Sherlock.

Dogs in the News: Burnin' Down the House Edition

You know how people are always fucking complaining about news coverage? I’ve got my own complaint over this particular article: “Dog Blamed for $10K House Fire.”

Seriously, news assholes, not cool. Did you ever stop to think about the dog in this story? Did you even consider that the owners of this particular dog might have been fucking lying to get themselves out of trouble?

I mean, look at these lines from the story: “Fire investigators in Baton Rouge say the pup was playing with a pillow a little bit too close to a space heater, and the cushion ignited. Two people were asleep in the bedroom when they woke up at 4 a.m. Thursday to find flames in the room.” That sounds fucking fishy to me. Did this reporter ever stop to think that one of the people who was asleep in the room knocked the pillow onto the space heater? Or, more likely, the humans were getting frisky and knocked a pillow onto the space heater, and were too embarrassed to say so? I’m a fucking dog and these possibilities are immediately obvious to me. And humans think they are so fucking smart...

On the plus side, this article does give me a new idea of a way to piss off Sarah.

I Am Not A Football Fan

So, Sarah (the asshole) is off to watch ND for the weekend in Pittsburgh (allowing me to stay with a friend - suhweet). This is the humiliation I must endure because of her fandom:


What an asshole.

I'm Back, Bitches!

Long time, no bark. A crap load has been going on. If, by crap load, you mean that I have been forced to deal with Sarah (the asshole) and her stupidity on a daily basis.

Today, I am just going to hit on the low lights of the last few months: Hallo-fucking-ween. Or, as Sarah insisted on calling it, "Howl-o-ween."

Here I am in a fucking chicken costume:


Who the fuck dresses a dog up as a chicken? I will tell you who: assholes. Like Sarah. I look like a tool.

Of course, Sarah, being the Supreme Queen of the Assholes, was not satisfied with dressing me up as a chicken. So she bought a SECOND Halloween costume for me:


A pumpkin? The only good thing about this outfit compared to the chicken is that it doesn't involve a hat. Of course, that small plus is outweighed by the fact that it makes my curves look less curvy, and increases the "fat ass" look that I am trying to avoid.

And seriously? Who buys her dog two Halloween costumes? I'll tell you who: a 30 year old single woman without children. What an asshole.

I'm Not a Football Fan

Sarah (the asshole) is a HUGE football fan. Unfortunately, this means that she thinks I am a football fan, too. Newsflash, asshole: I'm a dog. Why the hell would I want to watch a bunch of grown men hitting each other?

Despite my lack of desire to watch football, Sarah dragged me to Colts training camp this weekend, because Colts training camp happens to be in Terre Haute. Now, Sarah is not even a Colts fan (if she's watching football, it's Notre Dame or the Bears), but she said "in August, football is football," and so I found myself dragged off to training camp Saturday morning, when I could have been lying around at home taking a nap.


See me? I'm watching anything but that stupid football. Sarah could have at least bought me a hot dog or something, but why would she do something nice for me?

You know who else I blame for this? Peyton fucking Manning. I hate his stupid commercials. Of course, Sarah thinks he's the second funniest thing in the world (second after torturing me, which she obviously finds to be the most fucking hilarious thing in the world). Like we would go watch the stupid Colts if his ass wasn't there. God, my life sucks.

The Dangers of Sarah's Cooking

Once again, the stupidity of Sarah (the asshole) has caused me to have a horrible weekend.

This all started Friday night. Sarah decided to make herself supper. Now, Sarah may suck at 99% of life, but she does manage to cook halfway decently. Normally, this causes me to complain, because she hardly ever gives me anything that she makes. The skinny bitch eats everything herself. She must have worms or something, because I have no fucking clue how she manages to stay skinny. Meanwhile, I am forced to eat this hard-as-rocks shit dog food (if “food” is the proper term for what I have to eat).

However, something Sarah made Friday night gave her food poisoning. While normally this would make me super happy, and give me wonderful dreams about what I would do if I got to go live with some other people, this was pretty much the worst fucking timing ever. You see, on Saturday, we were supposed to go to Bark in the Park, which, from the advertisements on television, looked like a fucking awesome event, where you get to take a nice walk outside, get treats, and see lots of other dogs. But instead of getting to go to Bark in the Park, I had to sit around the house while Sarah barfed. So I can only assume that Bark in the Park was as awesome as advertised, because I didn’t get to go.

Of course, it was the first time ever I was happy that Sarah didn’t give me any of her fucking food. I hate barfing.

Do Not Take My Picture While I Sleep

OK, Sarah (the asshole) needs to have her camera taken away RIGHT NOW:

Seriously. I was taking a fucking nap in the car, and Sarah decides to take a picture of me. This is so, so wrong. There I was, minding my own business, oblivious to the world as I dreamt of locking Sarah in the crate while dangling beer and margaritas in front of the cage, and then snap! Sarah takes a picture of something that should remain out of the public eye.

This is all so very humiliating. I’m sure she has no idea how much email from sick internet perverts I will get after this is published. Actually, maybe she does. That seems very Sarah-like - post pictures of my girl parts so that internet pervs will send me indecent emails. Very sneaky, Sarah. I’m fucking on to you.

Dogs in the News: Panda Version

For the first time since it happened, today is the first time that I have been glad Sarah (the asshole) had me spayed. It all has to do with this article about a dog in China:

"Two red panda cubs abandoned at birth by their mother have found an unlikely wet nurse: a mongrel dog."

Holy shit, that's just fucked up. A dog nursing pandas? Puppy abandonment? This is just so mind bogglingly wrong. I mean, those baby pandas aren't even cute! Have you seen a puppy? All puppies are cute.

Then again, that dog is really small. Maybe it's really a cat. Cats are big enough assholes to think this sort of thing is OK.

A Tornado? Seriously?

OK, so, Sarah (the asshole) took me to Wisconsin for the 4th of July weekend, which was, obviously, awesome. Dog park, lots of people to pester for food, cats to chase up trees, and three straight days where I could avoid Sarah to my heart's content.

Unfortunately, something this awesome could not possibly last (at least, not as long as Sarah is in charge). So, today, Sarah packed up the car and we headed back to Terre Haute. Now, usually, I just pretty much sleep for the entire car ride home. I mean, what the hell does Sarah expect me to do for those five hours? Stare out the window at corn? B-O-R-I-N-G! At least if I am sleeping, I might have an interesting dream where I get to lock Sarah up in the crate at night, and I get to sleep on the comfy bed instead.

Today, though, just for shits and giggles, Sarah decided to liven up the trip home - by DRIVING THROUGH A FUCKING TORNADO. Yes. Seriously. A fucking tornado. Don't believe me? Well, like the dumbass she is, Sarah stopped (after we had driven past the thing) and took a picture:



Of course, being a dumbass, Sarah didn't realize she was driving us through a tornado until after we were past it. Because, you know, the fact that every other car was pulled over to the side of the road wasn't a clue to her. Or, you know, that funnel thing in the sky didn't give her the slightest indication that something was amiss. In case I didn't already suspect that Sarah was trying to kill me, this would confirm it.

Dogs In The News: The Not On Your Life Version

So, a crap load lot has been going on in my life lately. Don't worry, I have been giving plenty of life lessons to Sarah (the asshole). More flip flops have been chewed, shit has been shat, and I even managed to spill red Kool-Aid all over a bunch of her stuff the other day. She was pissed off! It was awesome!

Anyway, I saw this article yesterday. It's about a dog who got shot by would-be robbers at someone's house, then the dog proceeded to chase after the robbers, even though she had just been shot. And the dog lived! Now that's a pretty bad ass dog.

Of course, if Sarah thinks I'm going to take a bullet for her, she is fucking stupid. Seriously, she would be lucky if I even barked at robbers coming to the house. The last fucking thing I want is to let some guys with guns know where I am so that they can shoot me. If anything, Sarah should take a bullet for me. I mean, hello, who is the cute one here? At least I make the world a little prettier. Sarah just makes it a little assholier.

Greatest. Week. Ever.

Sarah is on vacation. I am at the kennel (aka, doggie day care EVERY DAY!). This is seriously hte greatest week ever.

The Outdoors Is a Toilet, it Doesn't Need One

So, Sarah (the asshole) has been up to her asshole antics again lately. Just this morning, she came across an invention that she seems to think would be a great improvement to the backyard:



Seriously? Because it's so fucking hard to walk the twenty feet into the house to flush it down the toilet? If Sarah wants to throw her money down the toilet, I can think of many better ways to do so. I mean, hell, I could just eat it. The money would still end up in the shitter that way, and at least I'd get the satisfaction of tearing it up first.

On the plus side, I did enjoy the part of the video where the dude stepped in the pile of dog crap. That was pretty fucking cool.

Stuck in a Chair

This is just so not cool:

Seriously, Sarah, this outdoes your normal assholishness by so much, it's like you've been taking asshole classes. I mean, really? You went and got you video camera to take a picture of me stuck instead of helping me? That was just plain wrong.

And who has lawn chairs as family room furniture? This whole problem could have been avoided had you bought real chairs, instead of these $10 Wal-Mart things. Heck, even I could get behind the purchase of a couch, even though it might mean fewer toys and less food for me. Plus, it will prevent this from happening in the future, if ever I decide to jump on the chair again.

Puppy Training Has Ended

Now, I may have had some problems with puppy training in the past, but I have to say, Sarah (the asshole) may have been on to something with it. Sure, the whole sitting and staying on command thing is degrading and crap, but getting to hang out with other dogs for an hour is pretty fucking cool.

However, last night, we had puppy training graduation. There was, of course, some humiliation to be had at puppy training:

Seriously? A fucking graduation cap? I think my look in that picture says it all.

Oh, and, of course, because I actually enjoy puppy training, Sarah has decided that I will not start intermediate level training for like a month or two. She claims it's because none of the scheduled classes work for her, but (a) I'm pretty sure she's lying to piss me off, and (b) even if she is telling the truth (unlikely), why the fuck doesn't she have her priorities straight? I should be number one. Screw her schedule, I need my weekly session of fun!

Also, Sarah is really fucking proud of me for passing puppy training:


Seriously, asshole, did you think I was going to fail the class? First, no one fails, so it wasn't even a possibility. Second, how fucking stupid do you think I am? We only learned, like, six commands, it wasn't like there was some brain surgery or something involved here. I would have been fucking pissed off at myself had I failed.

This Is My Kind of Horse

Now, I'm not terribly fond of horses, but this seems to be one I can get behind. Seriously, people "I Want Revenge" is a pretty badass name. Perhaps I can get Sarah (the asshole) to consider a name change for me.