Tim Gunn, You're Killing Me

So, despite her own super uncool tendencies, Sarah somehow manages to have BOTH a cool family and cool friends. Sometimes, Sarah even lets me hang out with these cool members of her family and friends (though such hanging out happens far too rarely for my tastes. Of course, if I had my way, I would hang out with Sarah's cool family and friends 100% of the time, and hang out with Sarah 0% of the time).

Once a week, Sarah has two of her cool friends over to the house to watch television. Specifically, they all watch Project Runway.

Sarah thinks "Nina Garcia" would be a great name for a dog. The real Nina Garcia thinks this idea is lacking in taste.
Here's the problem: Now that Project Runway is over, Sarah's friends aren't going to be coming over on Thursdays and watching television! So, this means yet another boring night of the week where I am stuck with Sarah, being forced to watch the crappy shows that she enjoys.

So, with this blog post, I implore you, Tim Gunn: bring back my Project Runway goodness as soon as possible. Life without it will be highly unpleasant.

Do Russian Dogs Drink Vodka?

So, despite Sarah's horrible-ness, she somehow manages to have a cool family (this never fails to shock me - I have no idea how they messed up on Sarah and made her such a jerk to me). The most super cool family members are my grandparents. They're the ones who live in Wisconsin (AWESOME), and have the house with all the land around it where I can run and ignore Sarah when we visit (DOUBLE AWESOME).

Now, I'm kind of worried, because Sarah and I are supposed to go to Wisconsin in the first week of May. She has to do some work thing (BORING), but I get to spend the whole week at my grandparents' house, chasing the mean kitties and splashing in their fountain and playing with the neighbor dogs. That's all cool. What I'm worried about is that my grandpa won't be there - you see, he's in Russia right now, and thanks to the volcano, he might not get to come home in time to give me presents see me. And that would be horrible!

Happily, though, my grandpa does have a blog, so at least I get to hear about what he is doing in Russia even if he doesn't get back. Of course, if he doesn't get back, I won't be able to find out answers to my questions, like, do Russian dogs drink vodka?

Cute dogs for sale in Russia. Not as cute as me, obviously, but still cute.
Russia seems pretty cool. Of course, somewhere that cool probably wouldn't let Sarah in the country, but I hold out hope that they might see fit to let me visit. Without Sarah, obviously. I could definitely use a vacation from Sarah. A permanent vacation, if possible.

A Russian meat counter. I think I could probably eat all of this food in an hour or so. Maybe 45 minutes.
I hope that my grandpa can get home before I am supposed to visit him - I'm tired of dealing with Sarah. I need a vacation from her!

Revenge Is Sweet

Revenge is mine!

As you know, Sarah made me stay at the kennel this weekend while she partied it up in Wisconsin. But last night, I had my sweet, sweet revenge.

Last night, Sarah was cleaning up around the house. She had an Easter rubber ducky that needed to be put away with her Easter decorations, and she left it on the counter to take it to the basement, where she keeps her Easter decorations when it's not Easter season.

What Sarah didn't anticipate about this was that I would see this toy-like object sitting there, and take it for my own (she is not the smartest cookie in the jar). And so, I took it - I just grabbed it off of the counter when she wasn't paying attention, and proceeded to destroy the thing.

I think this rubber ducky is improved with a portion of its head removed, don't you?
Sarah totally didn't even notice for about five minutes, by which time the ducky was headless and on its way to total destruction. Total success!

The Kennel and Sarah Dogs

Now, I know some of you have felt a little bad for me having to go to my kennel/doggie day care, but it's really not too bad. I mean, for a couple days, it's a vacation from Sarah, and the owner of the place is AWESOME (unlike Sarah). I get a big run all to myself, I get to go for walks out in the country (because the kennel is way out in the country, with horses and such), and I get to run around inside the doggie day care play area as much as I want, unless it's bedtime or time to eat.

Unfortunately, there are usually some other dogs around. Most of them are cool, but even then, it means that the humans have other dogs to pay attention to, when, obviously, they should be paying attention to ME. And, of course, like whenever there are a lot of dogs around, there are going to be some jerks. I refer to these dogs as "Sarahs," for the striking personality similarities between them and Sarah.

My cousin Izzy and me. So far, not a Sarah dog. However, I reserve my right to make further judgments on her as necessary.

For example, Sarah doesn't let me eat more than a few treats a day. And the Sarah dogs steal treats from me. Sarah doesn't want to play all the time when I do, and the Sarah dogs don't want to play all the time either. And sometimes the Sarah dogs growl at me, which is much like when Sarah yells at me for being on the good couch or whatever.

So, really, about two days at the kennel is perfect. Of course, as you saw with my last entry, I was not there for two days this last weekend, I was there for FOUR, because someone hates me and abandoned me while she partied it up in Wisconsin. And you know what else? Rumor has it that Sarah is leaving me there again this weekend so she can go hang out with her friends. You know what I say? Real friends would be the kind that let me come with and hang out, too.

I Should Be Writing This From Wisconsin

Oh, man, I am LIVID. And, as always, the person who is responsible for this is Sarah.

Sarah had to go up to Wisconsin at the end of the week. Now, if you follow my blog, you know that I love Wisconsin. Of course, Sarah being as mean as she is to me, didn't take me with her. Something about not wanting to take me on the airplane (she was flying up there).

But here's the real problem: Sarah was originally only going up there for two days. Now, as much as I enjoy Wisconsin, I also enjoy my doggie day care, so I figured it was a pretty even trade: Sarah goes to Wisconsin, and I get two days of fun and no Sarah at doggie day care. But then, Sarah decided that she was going to stay in Wisconsin through the weekend.

Me, on a happier day when Sarah took me to Wisconsin.
Oh, I cannot tell you how mad I am about this. Now, instead of getting to go back home after two days, I have to spend FOUR days at doggie day care. And Sarah is partying it up in Wisconsin. She's probably giving her leftovers to the cats (who are mean and evil and I hate - Sarah gets along with them quite well). And I bet that she's having an awesome time, laughing at me stuck here. I hate her so much.

Dogs in the News: Baseball Pooper Version

Oh, man, I LOVE this video:



I swear, I will never get tired of watching stupid humans chasing an obviously much smarter dog around. And the part where it stops to take a crap? Priceless. I'm hoping Sarah takes me to a baseball game sometime, because I would totally love to try this myself. Except, of course, I would hope that the authorities would take me away from Sarah for letting me get loose at a baseball park and I could go live with someone better.

Dogs in the News: Automatic Dog Washing Machine Version

OK, there are times in my life when I think that living with any human other than Sarah would be an improvement. However, it turns out that there are all sorts of other humans out there who would not be much of a step up. Take, for example, the man who invented this automatic dog washing machine. An automatic dog washing machine? Are you kidding me? Apparently not, because here's a picture of the thing (with more at the link):

Though the linked website is from China, the machine itself is in Japan. Of course a nation obsessed with Hello Kitty would invent something so anti-dog as an automatic dog washing machine.
Now, if you read this blog on a regular basis, you know that I am not too fond of getting baths. But at least if Sarah is involved in the process, there is the chance for me to get her all wet. However, this machine takes away that one, small part of bath time that gives me even the slightest bit of joy. Boo!

Thankfully, Sarah is not planning to take me to Japan anytime soon (as far as I know - she's sneaky enough that she might be planning just such a trip, and not telling me about it). So, for the time being, bath time will continue to be a chance for me to soak Sarah and otherwise cause trouble for her. Still, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have nightmares about this machine tonight.

I Don't Do Dog Snuggies

I cannot stress how much of an idiot Sarah can be. Let's discuss yesterday as an example. Now, yesterday was a beautiful day in Terre Haute, where we live. We're talking 80 degrees and sunny. Absolutely beautiful.

Sarah being cheap, there is no way that she turns on the air conditioner until it's 90 plus outside. So, the house is really, really warm today - definitely warmer than the 80 it is outside. It's so warm that the only comfortable way to deal with this sort of heat is to lie around doing nothing (btw, I am excellent at this).

So, when Sarah gets home, what does she think is a good idea? She thinks it's a good idea to put a Snuggie on me. Yes, a dog Snuggie.

I can't stress enough that Sarah is a tool for putting me in a Snuggie.

Now, the Snuggie even in cold weather is stupid. But in this weather? Truly moronic. And you know why she made me wear it? Because she wanted to read this book she got, called The Animal Review, and wanted me to sit with her looking cute. Newsflash, Sarah: I look cute whether or not you put me in a Snuggie. And you're just sitting at home reading, like anyone is going to see you reading and make a judgment about the cuteness of the scene.

Here I am with the book. Personally, I enjoy the Animal Review website.

Happily, Sarah eventually took off the Snuggie. Now, I am going to plot a way to destroy the thing. I never want to wear it again.

Choppy Evens the Score

So, last week, I detailed my problems with Sarah teaching me to act like a monkey. Unfortunately, Sarah got me on that one.

But I have discovered a way to deal with this - I can just ignore Sarah!



I realized that Sarah knows that I can catch a frisbee just fine. So, when Sarah wants me to catch, I can just ignore her, like I did in the video! When other people are around, I can impress them with my mad frisbee catching skills. It's a fabulous plan - piss Sarah off by not catching, yet show off for other people, so that they can see how smart I am. It's a perfect plan!

Developments in America's Dairyland

So, Friday, I got to Wisconsin, where I proceeded to have an awesome time. It was shaping up to be my typical weekend here in America's Dairyland - running around the countryside, chasing cats and other animals, and just generally having a blast.

But Saturday morning, there was a development. You see, Sarah's brother brought something he got last weekend - a puppy named Izzy. Also known as my doggy cousin.

Adorable? Maybe. Competition for food and attention? Definitely.

Now, here's the thing about another dog, especially a cute one like this. While it's a lot of fun to play with it, it means that there is another dog to eat table scraps, and hog all the attention that should be paid to me. Plus, this Izzy character is, like 4 months old, so she sits and people act like she cured cancer. Has anyone seen the sort of talent that I exhibit on a regular basis? It makes sitting look like nothing.

You see this sit? World class.

But, at the end of the day, it's pretty cool to have another dog around. I mean, I'm bigger than her, so I can totally muscle her out of the way to get the best food. And having another dog around means that I don't have to find Sarah if I want to play with my toys with someone else. This Izzy character was definitely happy to play with me for hours on end.

Look, I share! Sort of. I mean, I totally pulled it away from her about two seconds after the picture was taken, but I shared a little bit.

Plus, I got to show this Izzy character some fun things to do, like how to bark at and chase after cats.

Here, I am, barking at one of the cats, and setting a fine example for the doggy youth of our country.

Plus, at the end of the day, it's nice to have someone else around who isn't allowed on the bed and can sleep on the floor with me and keep me warm.

Yeah, I know how adorable this is.

All in all, I have to say that having a doggy cousin around is not entirely bad. But if she gets big enough to muscle her way in and get the best food, I reserve the right to change my mind on this Izzy character.

America's Dairyland? More Like America's Awesome-land!

One of my few and far between joys in a usually craptastic life is taking trips up to Wisconsin. Now, let me tell you, Wisconsin is AWESOME. Sarah grew up there, but I'm pretty sure the powers that be in the state realized it was a mistake to let her live there, so they kicked her out, because she was bringing the cool people factor way, way down. Unfortunately, I now have to deal with the consequences of this action, and only get to go up to Wisconsin for holidays and such.

This being Easter, on Friday, Sarah packed up the car and we headed for awesome Wisconsin to celebrate the holiday. Now, one of the consequences of Sarah not living in Wisconsin is that it takes FOREVER to get there in the car.

This? This is me about an hour into the drive. Still excited.

This? This is me an hour later, after realizing we still have several hours of driving before I get to enjoy Wisconsin. Not a happy camper.

Eventually, we got to Wisconsin, which is always a miracle at some level, because Sarah seems to have learned how to drive from a Southeast Asian cab driver (for those not in the know, this is not a positive reflection on her driving skills - or, to be more specific, her lack thereof).

Ah, Wisconsin. Living up to stereotypes since 1848 - this is right down the road from my doggie grandparents. Shortly before this picture, Sarah went to the grocery store and picked up beer, brats, and milk. I wish I was kidding you about this.

There are many joys to be had in Wisconsin, not least of which is getting to spend an entire weekend wandering my grandparents' house without a leash the entire time, while Sarah just sits around ignoring me. It's like heaven.

No Sarah, No Leash, No Problems.

So, for, like, 18 hours, I was totally doing my own thing. You know, chilling, chilling, minding my business. Just generally wandering around in a blissful state, thinking all is great with the world.

And then, this showed up:

What fresh hell is this?

Yesterday Was a GREAT Day!

Oh my gosh! You have to hear about my AWESOME Wednesday.

I knew it was going to be a great day, because Sarah (my AWESOME owner) woke up early, and took me on a nice, long walk. I had just gotten to the park, when I saw my dog friend, Brownie. Brownie's Mom gave me TWO treats, just for me being cute little me.

Then, because there was hardly anyone in the park, Sarah let me chase some squirrels! I totally almost caught two of them. Next time...

Then, we went to see the park's caretaker, who gave me not one, not two, but THREE treats! Just for me being cute little me!

Look at me! I sit so well! No wonder people give me treats!

When we got back home, Sarah gave me both a treat, and a rawhide! I took care of eating that before Sarah left for work, then took a nice, long nap until Sarah came home for lunch. At lunch, we played a little (I have some cool new toys that I already de-squeaked, but they're still fun to tear apart). Then Sarah went back to work, but it was OK, because I knew it was nice outside, and we would take a nice long walk when she got home.

And guess what? We did take a nice long walk! Then, even better, we got home from the walk, and Sarah cooked STEAK on the grill. Sarah even gave me a big piece of her steak (and I think she's saving a little bit more for me to eat some other time).

After that, Sarah hung out in the backyard with me, and when it got dark, we went inside and hung out there. Yesterday was a GREAT day!

APRIL FOOL!

Like my life is ever this good. Of course, Sarah probably thinks this is how I feel about my life every day. Because she's not just an April Fool, she's an Everyday Fool. Yesterday sucked. It was just like every other day in my life.